The last two years has seen me through a few of the most life changing moments I have ever experienced so far in my 28 years. So much has changed in such a short space of time that I am still trying to collect my thoughts around it. I still can’t comprehend that just two weeks ago, our family lost the most amazing Wife, Mum, Sister and Aunt that anyone could ever wish for.
There are no words to relay how much this has collapsed our world. Everyday up until the night that the inevitable became reality, I was constantly being reminded by those around me about the severity of mums condition and that I was to “prepare” myself. I told them the same thing that I told myself, that I was more than aware of the situation, but there is nothing to prepare for because nothing in this world could have prepared me for this. I chose to spend the little time we had left with mum as Mother and Daughter and not to waste time grieving and mourning her departure before her time. I have a lifetime ahead to miss her.
Mum had three daughters, and although we were all close to her, she touched our lives as individuals so differently. My eldest sister Soumen, is the oldest of the three yet the most vulnerable and over protected. Mum used to say to me as we three sisters walked out the door together “Look after your Sister” and overtime I somehow adopted the big Sister role. I can not stress though, how much this role has reversed in the last two years where my baby sister, somehow along the way managed to surpass me as the stronger one and stepped up to looking after all of us through this difficult time. I am so grateful for her being here and the things she’s had to set aside in order to do so.
As I say, we each had a very different relationship with Mum. As the second child, I was a walking example of the classic middle child syndrome. However the issue was more or less stemming from my Father than my Mother. Mum played more of a peacemaker role in those situations as she really hated conflict between dad and I, or any one of us for that matter. After each petty fight she’d be the one overly upset and desperately trying to smooth things over. She’d remind us how much dad loved us in his own little, odd way, and of course I already knew this, but am too much like Dad in terms of how stubborn we are, to admit otherwise.
As a person I’m pretty vocal on certain things but I tend to be a bit of a closed book when it comes to feelings and emotions. I believe this is what mum struggled most with when it came to me. She was always suspicious that I was hiding myself and that she needed to break down this barrier through conversation, and we had many, many heart to heart conversations over the years. If I’m honest, I did keep myself to myself, and if I didn’t think I needed to concern my mother or anyone else with my issues, I wouldn’t. I will learn to regret this especially since the last Mother and Daughter conversation I had with her was an uplifting one. I had decided to be completely open and honest with her and it turned out to be the most exhilarating moment as I opened up to her about all my worries and concerns on venturing out into the world at 28 having just walked away from a long term relationship with no idea what to do with myself and was quite frankly, a little lost. I guess at that moment I let my guard down because I wanted to tell her all the things I couldn’t tell her before, and in those few hours as she told me that she understood, and swapped her life stories and past experiences with me, I finally felt that barrier between us being lifted away and I believe she felt it too. I am so so glad I opened up the way I did and had those precious bonding, moments with her before it was too late. I only regret that I didn’t do so earlier. Thank you mum for your advice, I haven’t forgotten what you told me, I am still trying to find my way but I am doing my best to make you proud. I really wish you were here to tell me what to do though…
I’m sure you are all wondering what the heck I’m doing writing a Diary like post on my Beauty Blog… to be honest I have no idea why other than I wanted to. This is all a bit too personal for my usual posts but I love my Mother and she was an incredible woman to be celebrated and I wanted to do so in a way that I know how… through blogging. Mum had the most amazing collection of photos that each told a story about her life, we had so much fun looking through these photos and hearing the stories behind each smile, outfit, pose or scene. If the Internet had existed back then, she would have definitely made a fantastic blogger with all her crazy outfits, flawless make up and natural flair for the camera! She was a beautiful woman, at 62 she was still incredibly striking. I remember distinctly the way she applied her lipstick so carefully, turning her head from side to side, checking her reflection in her compact making sure that she’d applied it evenly. I’ve always found lipsticks to be a really personal item, and as I looked at the Christian Dior lipstick mum left behind, it was nostalgic to see that it had began to morph and shape to mums distinct way of applying her lipstick. I almost didn’t want to use it for this post in a bid to retain it’s current shape.
My OOTD Today is a selection of things put together from Mums wardrobe . I’m wearing her clothes and Louis Vuitton bag with a few pieces of jewellery including a ring that she had set aside for me. I was touched that she’s specifically asked dad to hand me this ring. I remember finding this diamond ring in a junk box along with a range of many different things that she couldn’t find a home for. This box contained everything from loose clips and loose change, to dried polishes, empty jars of cream and single earrings, but amongst all this chaos, sat this one ring. I was stunned to learn that it wasn’t a fake/cheap, knock off from the local Primark and was even more confused as to what it was doing there in the first place, just sat in a box full of essentially… crap! I put it on and jokingly turned to Mum and said that I may as well keep it if it’s just going to be thrown in with the junk anyway. She laughed and replied “yes you should keep it…” that was over 10 years ago, I can’t believe she remembered.
Not a day goes by where I don’t think about Mum. Getting back into an old routine without her is deeply saddening as I go about my usual day to day activities. Everything is a constant reminder that she is no longer here with us. Everyday for a long time before she became too sick, Mum would get up earlier to make me a cup of tea as I got ready for work, she’d even bring it up to me with a big smile on her face. Mornings now are just not the same, I really miss her and her little Morning Teas.
I’d like to end this post with a simple message to to my beautiful mother:
“Thank you again for all that you’ve done. I’m so sorry that we never got to repay you back for being the most caring, selfless and brilliant person that you were. We will make you proud now and live on the way you’d expect us to. When we finally meet again on the other side I will tell you everything that I’ve managed to accomplish, no hold backs next time either, I promise!
Love and miss you always.